Chronically Crona
by caveat lector
Summary: Amusing little oneshots featuring Crona and Ragnarok dealing with the general wonders of life. Contains Ragnarok vs Excalibur aka: the shouting-match . Rated for language, updated whenever. Chapter 2: The birds and the bees.
1. Annoying Weapons

**A/N: **  
Readers of my Death Note fanfics: "Dude, wtf?! What's with all the Crona?! Did you forget about us?"  
Me: "Sorry! I've had some silly little oneshots with Crona stuck in my head for a while, and I noticed how some of my ideas do not seem to have been written yet. So… yeah. And no, I have most certainly not forgotten!"  
Readers of my Crona!Fics: "YAY, CRONA!"  
Me: "YAY! By the way, these will be updated whenever and will probably all be female!Crona. CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED. Also, I love the title of this fanfic. Yes, I are genius."  
**Disclaimer: **I do not own Soul Eater. If I did, Crona and Death the Kid would be the main-characters and I'd make you spell Crona's name Chrona. (I'd do that, but my inner Grammar Nazi yells that cannon spelling is more important.)

**Chronically Crona  
Chapter one: Dealing with annoying weapons.**

"I PUT THE 'ROCK' IN RAGNAROCK!"

"… th-that's not… how you spell it. I think…"

"SHUT UP!"

"Hey-- OW!"

"BWAHAHAHA!"

"MAKA CHOP!"

"Ow! Stupid bitch."

"Thank y-you, Maka…"

Nothing out of the ordinary. Except, perhaps, that Maka's smile was even wider than normally. Crona asked why she was so happy and she announced that she had finally found a way for Crona to make Ragnarok respect her. ("yeah, right," said Ragnarok, obviously not impressed.) While she was actually quite fond of Ragnarok even though he wasn't always nice, Crona decided that it would be polite to listen.

"Okay, here's the deal," said Maka. "I've read that there is this one, ultimate weapon. Your soul doesn't have to match it, and it will still be the greatest weapon ever."

This caught Ragnarok's interest. "I'm listening," he said. Maka ignored him and continued talking to Crona.

"Now, I myself like working with Soul too much to try it all out. However, I thought that maybe you should give it a go? I've written down the location for you- just make sure no one else sees it, okay?"

"… Do you want me to get rid of Ragnarok?"

"Well, I know you can't, what with you guys sharing your body (kind of), but I thought that you would maybe have someone to defend you from him when I'm not around?"

"O-oh…"

"Crona, we're doing this," said Ragnarok, and Maka smiled. Crona decided that she would do it if Maka wanted her too. Maka's intentions were nice, and… lately, Crona had gained a little more confidence. She could even say hello to a stranger now. Maybe… maybe it wouldn't hurt?

-

Crona was soaked to the bone. Really. It was a little annoying because the cave where the weapon apparently was was filled with water. Her feet and the hem of her dress were all wet. She almost envied Ragnarok, but decided that she would rather have legs than being stuck in someone's body.

And they were there. There was no doubt that this was it: the cave widened, becoming more of an underground lake, lights lead the way for them, and all the fairies they had seen (all with a very strange facial expression) had vanished. In the middle of the cave/room/something was a large stone. A boulder, actually. In that was a sword.

It seemed to be stuck…

She grabbed the handle, not really knowing what to do if the weapon didn't want to come out of the stone. She pulled anyway. It was a lot easier than she thought, and with a flash of light- …

…

…

She did not know what to think of it.

She was not sure how to deal with it.

In front of her stood a small… creature. It was white, had a pointy nose, and was wearing a top-hat.

It looked at her. Then it started talking:

"MY STORY BEGAN IN THE 12TH CENTURY!"

The cane in its right hand was being waved around dramatically.

"Yes," it continued. "You have no doubt heard of me! I am… Excalibur! The greatest weapon in this world and in many other worlds as well! My story began in the 12th century! I was used by Odin, the king of the Viking Gods! I was his most trusted servant! YOU!"

It pointed at Crona.

"DO YOU WANT TO MASTER THE SWORD OF THE GREAT ODIN?!"

"… I… d-d-d-don't… I don't know!"

"YES? Then you shall have to perform one thousand tasks for me!"

It tossed her a list, seemingly out of nowhere, and she didn't have a chance to look at it before this Excalibur spoke again.

"NUMBER 724: You have to dance around me thirteen times while singing a song that I shall make for you to sing!"

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-"

"I see you are intimidated by my great power and charisma! I don't blame you! Let us start with something easier, then! NUMBER 29: You must always speak of me as 'The Great Excalibur, Ruler and King of All Things'!"

"Crona," said Ragnarok. "… Let's get outta here. Now."

Crona nodded, but was interrupted in turning around when the cane connected with her head.

"FOOL! You may not leave! You have awoken me and now you must do as I say!"

This, apparently, made Ragnarok angry.

"… EXCUSE ME?!" he yelled. "LISTEN, YOU FREAKY LITTLE CREATURE, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YO UARE, BUT CRONA AND I ARE FINE WITHOUT YOU! FINE, I SAY! WE DON'T NEED YOU OR YOUR FUCKING TASKS, SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND--"

"How dare you speak to me like that?! I, who stood by the side of the mighty Darwin?!"

("… please stop fighting…")

"SHUT UP! YOU THINK YOU'RE AWESOME JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO OR SOMETHING?! WELL, I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT AWESOME IS!"

"Do I hear a challenge?"

"DAMN RIGHT YOU DO!"

"ACCEPTED!"

-

The two screamed at each other for a lot of time. Three hours or so.

-

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER, YOU LITTLE BITCH!?"

"I would call you mother's boy, but you are not even a boy! You are a freak of nature!"

"SO ARE YOU!"

"GASP!"

Crona decided that enough was enough. Since she, after all, had the legs, she left.

-

She spent all day in her room afterwards, wondering why Maka hated her so much that she'd make her go see someone like that.

**A/N:** Oh, that felt good to get out of my system.  
Next chapter: How to deal with the birds and the bees.  
Please review! I don't do humor a lot, so… I'd like to know if I should go die in a fire.


	2. The Birds and the Bees

**A/N: **DEATH NOTE ROYALE 4 IS WITH MY BETA! CHAPTERS FOR OTHER FANFICS ARE COMING! This is just a break from the insanity. I know it's short, but the length of these chapters will vary a great deal.

**Chronically Crona  
Chapter 2: Dealing with the birds and the bees**

Eight-year-old Crona shifted nervously as she entered the room where Medusa was. She cleared her throat as quietly as possible, and succeeded in getting Medusa's attention.

"What is it?" She sounded annoyed.

"It-it's just that…" Crona fiddled nervously with her hands, staring at her feet. "Me and Ragnarok were talking and…"

"What?"

"… Where do babies come from?"

Medusa's eyes widened in surprise. She obviously hadn't expected that question. Crona shifted again, hoping that she hadn't said anything bad.

"Come sit here."

That was certainly new. She obviously did as she was told.

"Now," said Medusa. "I'm only going to explain this once, okay?"

Crona nodded, eager that Medusa wanted to explain something to her instead of just telling her to do it.

-

Fifteen minutes later, Crona left the room. Wide-eyed, paler than usual and with horrible images in her mind.

Ragnarok had appeared when Medusa had started explaining since he was curious as well.

He, too, was very quiet and shocked.

"… Ragnarok?"

"Yeah?"

"That is really gross. Why do people do that?"

"No idea. I'm so glad I won't have to worry about it."

Silence.

"Crona?"

"M-hm?"

"Let's never talk about it again, okay?"

Crona nodded.


End file.
